Entries Tagged 'Existence' ↓

Yesterday, I watched the documentary Gonzo, which detailed the life and work of Hunter S Thompson. Immediately after watching it, I thought, “Wow! I want to start writing. I’m sick of feeling scatter-brained and posting incoherent thoughts to an insignificant blog in the galaxy of worthless opinions. I’m going to unhinge; any thoughts I have are going straight to the keyboard.”

Yet, as I sit here writing this, I find myself doing what I do every time I want to write: writing by the seat of my pants. None of this was thought out before writing it. I have no objective for writing this other than the hope for attention and criticism.

I told my brother yesterday that he shouldn’t talk so aimlessly because he didn’t have any reason to say the things that spewed from his mouth. This morning, I can’t help but wonder if I was justified to say that. So what if he has no motive in telling me his uninformed opinion on which console is ruling the present gaming market? Who am I to say, “You shouldn’t talk about things you don’t understand?” We all need to learn somehow. Don’t get me wrong; I explained to him the little more I understand about the gaming industry on top of minimalizing his opinion. I’m not that cruel of an older brother (I hope).

Right there! (and here) I completely diverted from the subject at hand, switching from questioning my authority as a conversation moderator to justifying my status as a good brother. Edit: I have no idea why I wrote this. Do I find any reason I can to distract myself? Was I making a point? This is the problem i have with writing. I could very well completely abandon this post because it all sounds like nonsense upon review. The fear of sounding like a raving lunatic is ever present. Ugh… no wonder Hunter wrote so much about fear and loathing…

I want a motive. I want to focus. Drifting around the infosphere is fun for a while, but seeing others cruising a structured route and making tangible accomplishments fills me with envy.

In times like this, I try to remind myself of Steve Jobs’ message to a Stanford graduating class – take life as it comes, it will all piece together when the time is right. I can only hope that my decaying short-term memory and my inability to filter my thoughts as fast as they escape through my mouth and fingers doesn’t hinder what good I have yet to bring to the world. I can’t imagine how many others in my age range can identify with this; I know I’m not alone.

Once again, I leave you answerless and probably less informed than you came. Hopefully you can relate, though, and ask me questions that my working memory hasn’t yet processed.

Edit: I’ve spent entirely too much time reviewing this and wondering what others will think of it. It doesn’t matter; I’m as clueless as the rest of you and I should stop pitying myself for being so. In fact, disregard this paragraph; I don’t want to delete it because I want to look back years from now and know the full extent of my paranoia.

Who out there has experienced the most in a lifetime and has the patience and understanding to solve any problem? Is he or she among elite far outside our limited habitat? Where out there is the society with the most balance among all forces? Where are the nations who have long forgotten bigotry and selfishness in favor of morality and reason? Where is the planet whose chemistry makes for the least struggle against natural forces? Where is the most symmetric and stable star system? Where is the the oldest, roundest, calmest galaxy? Is it circling with countless other galaxies in a uniform, seemingly nonviolent supercluster? Does it carry on itself, alone in interstellar space, unscathed by strange, warped galaxies? Does it cooperate with as many galaxies as possible to form a brilliant light for those distant, lonely, defunct clusters of life to admire?

How large can intelligence grow? Is it possible for small-scale life, similar to our own, to manipulate surroundings magnitudes larger than itself to make a more harmonious universe?

To be truly selfless is to strive to change the universe. That is what I hope this planet can achieve before disintegrating into the thoughtless, seemingly consciousless enormity of space. Everyone must understand the scale of life in order to understand its true potential.

What other arrangements of the elements have harbored life in the universe? Are there other intelligent populations that have greater problems than we do? Is it possible for a species to live completely altruistically? How can I survive when all of our resources run dry? Only the best and brightest should survive, but so much will be lost with those of us clinging on to the charities of the brilliant, craving to see more. Will I ever escape this planet’s gravitational pull? There may not be a god out there, but there must exist others who live a lot better than we do, no matter how great we believe we have it.